Star Author
Star Author is the twenty-eighth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the eighth episode of season two. In this episode, SpongeBob and Patrick are excited for the newest Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book supposed to come out that afternoon, yet only find impromptu comic books. SpongeBob and Patrick are left to read the most boring books in the sea in the bookstore. Patrick begins complaining of how he could improve these books, which he does with a marker. An author comes across the book and deems it worthy of being published ocean-wide. With this career, Patrick becomes the best author in the sea. Yet, the authors of the original book are angered over Patrick taking credit for their work. Will SpongeBob and Patrick be able to stop the riot...and save themselves? This episode is paired with Behind the Whale. Characters *Patrick Star *SpongeBob SquarePants *Librarian (debut; makes several appearances) *Male Fish/Publisher (debut; two appearances) *Original Authors **Male Author 1-4 **Female Author 1-2 *Crowd Members *The Riot Stopper (debut) *Gary the Snail (cameo appearances) Transcript *''begins at Hooks and Books bookstore; several fish are entering the bookstore while others are leaving; the camera pans to the side of the bookstore, where SpongeBob and Patrick are peering through the window'' *'SpongeBob:' There it is, Patrick. Do you see it? *'Patrick:' I do, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I can't look away. I'm almost glued to it. *'SpongeBob:' You are glued to it. You pasted glue to the window so we would be forced to stare inside the bookstore. *'Patrick:' Is there a problem? *'SpongeBob:' Yes, Patrick. Security will have to pry us from the window. Then they'll have to take our eyelid prints...again. *'Patrick:' It's worth it, buddy. It's not everyday that you get to see the display case of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy memorabilia in the Hooks and Books bookstore. *'SpongeBob:' Actually, yes it is, Patrick. It's been here ever since this place was built. *'Patrick:' scoffs Buzz-kill. *'SpongeBob:' Let's get a better look, Patrick. flips, allowing SpongeBob and Patrick into the building *''and Patrick strain to get off the window, which eventually they do; the strain sends them into a magazine cart'' *'SpongeBob:' from pile of magazine My eyes! My eyes! Magazine print! It burns! from pile *'Patrick:' magazine Hmm. Oh, yeah. I'll catch up with you, SpongeBob. *'SpongeBob:' Come on, Patrick. Patrick out of pile You're aloof from our objective. *'Patrick:' And you wonder why. What's our object, SpongeBob? *'SpongeBob:' This! reveals to the display case, which shines in front of the two That! Right there! to a dirty display case *'Bookstore Employee:' What is this still doing here?! dirty cart out of the way, revealing a comic book case *'SpongeBob:' The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy display case, filled with all of the newest, juiciest, and...well...cool-iest of their comic books! This is sure to contain the newest comic book we've been anticipating since this morning: The Moth Attacks! up poster with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy charging their archenemy, The Moth *'Patrick:' Well, what are we doing standing here like some fools who glued themselves to a window of a bookstore?! Let's get that comic book! *''and Patrick leap toward the display case'' *'SpongeBob:' to top of the display case Every deserving comic book lover knows that all of the newest comic books are located at the top of the display case. comic book *'Patrick:' Looks like we're the only ones. reveals fish at the bottom of the display case; grabs comic book *'SpongeBob:' off display case to the ground Here it is, buddy! The newest Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book! Ready to read it, buddy?! Buddy? Patrick? *'Patrick:' offscreen I was wrong, SpongeBob! reveals Patrick, using a comic book to swat back fish, climbing up the display case We're not the only ones! Get back! Back you sava...uh...samples! throw Patrick off of display case Whoa! *''lands on SpongeBob'' *'Patrick:' I will never understand the cliché workings of the comic book population. What say you, SpongeBob? SpongeBob? I have to find him! He could have been sucked in by those sava-samples! *'SpongeBob:' muffled I'm down here, Patrick. *'Patrick:' Who said that? Was it this incredibly uncomfortable chair? Goodness, this thing needs to be fluffed this instant! Or at least lotioned. up Oh, it's you, SpongeBob. *'SpongeBob:' self out using comic book Did you get your comic book, Patrick? *'Patrick:' No, those sava-samples took them all. Can we share yours? *'SpongeBob:' Of course, Patrick. Take a seat. comic book; begins reading "The town suffered mounds of damage. Bikini Bottom was in a frenzy. The town was divided in a panic to escape a villain so sinister as The Moth." reading What is this?! This isn't "The Moth Returns"! *'Patrick:' Yeah! This is "Issue 429: The Moth Rises!" Why, this came out three years ago! *'SpongeBob:' Yeah. Where are the newer issues?! Patrick, do you see what this means?! *'Patrick:' No, but something tells me that I'm not about to find out. *'SpongeBob:' But you are, Patrick. It means that we've been...whispers conned. *'Patrick:' Conned! We've been conned! Nothing but conned! *'SpongeBob:' Shh shh shh, Patrick. Don't let the employees here think that we've been conned. Their sharp eyes are watching us like a hawk! *''cuts to a male fish, walking up the check-out section'' *'Male Fish:' I would like to check-out this book. *'Female Librarian:' Sure thing. book Now just let me scan it. misses scanner Hold on. I almost got it. to miss scanner *'Male Fish:' Oh, let me do it! book; scans it There! *'Female Librarian:' How dare you do my job?! Security! *''comes and escorts male fish out of library'' *'Female Librarian:' Well, are you coming or not? *''cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick'' *'SpongeBob:' All we need to do is put back our comic books and carefully walk to the section next to us. *'Patrick:' But the only section next to us is...flourish plays; camera reveals the next section as being "The Deadly Boring Book Section" the Deadly Boring Book Section! *'SpongeBob:' It's a risk, buddy, but we must do it if we want to escape the con. We have to be brave! *'Patrick:' Yes, buddy. I'm with you. *'SpongeBob:' Good. Now let's go. and Patrick walk to the neighboring section Well, this isn't so bad. gasps What's that? *''pans around the section, revealing spines that read "Boring Presidential Speeches", "The Extremely Boring Life of a Boring Fish", and "Fun: The Boring Way"'' *'Patrick:' Is there a throw-up bowl in this aisle? *'SpongeBob:' I don't think so, Patrick. We're in "no man's land" now. It's dog-eat-dog in here. *'Patrick:' I don't think that book's in this aisle. It's too fun for these shelves. *'SpongeBob:' I guess we should...gulps check something out. a book; snatches hand away Ah! It burns! It burns! *'Patrick:' Mine freezes. arms encased in ice with the book inside *'SpongeBob:' This is boring! We'll never find a book in here that could even compare to the worst Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book. *'Patrick:' You're right! I'm tired of reading books that don't make me want to reenact the stupid behavior that's inside of them. Now if you excuse me, I have to jump from the top of the bookshelf. out of screen; falls into screen from bookshelf That hurt more than what the book showed. up I mean, if I were the author of this book, I would change it and make it my own, and it will be much better. *'SpongeBob:' I'm sure it would be, Patrick. Now let's get out of here. *'Patrick:' Oh, not yet, SpongeBob. out pen Not until I make this book my own. out author's name; writes own name in place; opens book Starting with chapter one. *''card reads "One hour later'' *'French Narrator:' One hour later. *''is revealed to be asleep'' *'Patrick:' up SpongeBob, waking him up SpongeBob, wake up! I've done it! I finished my book! All I did was cross some things out and put some things back in! *'SpongeBob:' That's great, Patrick! Ready to go to the publisher? *'Patrick:' Nah. This book belongs in the trash. back book Let's get out of here. It's too boring. and Patrick depart scene *''cuts to the site of the book, neatly placed on a desk; a male fish in a suit walks over to the book'' *'Male Fish:' book What's this oddity? book Who wrote this?! I must know. He is a legend! up book *''cuts to outside of the Hooks and Books bookstore; the male fish is kicked out by the librarian'' *'Librarian:' And if you can't be quiet, get out of my bookstore! book out of bookstore And take this book with you! *'Male Fish:' Ha! You missed me! *'Librarian:' I'm blind! doors *'Entire Bookstore:' finger at their mouths Shhhhh! *'Librarian:' Oh, stop it! Since when did you guys follow the policy?! *''cuts to the Patrick's rock; the male fish walks toward it with the book'' *'Male Fish:' Here we are. The refined house of Mr. Star. Such luxury he lives in. No wonder the fabulous detail incorporated in this book. Who knows the inspirations that occur in this house. on door *''abundance of noise occurs from beneath the rock; Patrick answers the door, revealing behind him a bundle of stuff'' *'Male Fish:' Is this your book, Mr. Star? *'Patrick:' Well, that depends. Does it have pictures? *'Male Fish:' It does have your name as the author. *'Patrick:' Oh, that thing. I thought that thing landed in the trash. *'Male Fish:' Actually, it landed next to me. It all started like this. *''begins at the bookstore; the male fish is rummaging through the trash; he narrates the flashback'' *'Male Fish:' I was rummaging through the trash, trying to find a book that was worthy of publishing ocean-wide, when all of a sudden, a book slams onto a nearby desk] *''revised book slams right into the desk next to the trash can'' *'Male Fish:' And then the librarian comes over and then shhh's me. *'Librarian:' Shhh! *'Male Fish:' So, then I jump out of the trash and grab the book. It's the most beautiful piece of literature of the modern day that I have ever laid eyes on to read! *''cuts back to present day'' *'Male Fish:' up book This book must be published ocean-wide as one of the greatest revised books of the modern era! *'Patrick:' Yeah! Modern era! *''cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the sidewalk'' *'SpongeBob:' Did he say he was going to publish your book? *'Patrick:' Yeah, something like that. But who knows when, right? It could take minutes...or...hours! Or even longer! Like, seconds! *'SpongeBob:' I think even shorter than that, Patrick. Take a look! *''pans around to reveal several fish, reading Patrick's revised book'' *'SpongeBob:' Wow. Look at that! Everyone's reading your book, Patrick! I even think that you're a hit! A best-seller! *'Patrick:' I must be good if I'm words I don't even know! *'Female Fish:' It's you! Patrick Star, the writer of my favorite book! up book Can you sign it?! *'Patrick:' Hmm. at cover My name is already here. *'Female Fish:' laughs So hilarious! toward a crowd of people Let's hear it for Patrick, the amazing author! *'Patrick:' Really? Where?! *''begins cheering Patrick's name in unison'' *'Crowd:' Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! *'SpongeBob:' Well, I have to get home and feed the ol' snail. Have fun with your fame, Patrick! out scene *'Patrick:' laughs Okay, SpongeBob. Wait, what's fame? *''card appears on the screen, saying "The Next Afternoon"'' *'French Narrator:' Le next day. *''cuts to the Krusty Krab dining room, where SpongeBob is carrying trays to the customers'' *'SpongeBob:' down tray There you go, sir. down tray There's your well-deserved salad, ma'am. down tray You really should be getting what that ma'am is getting, sir. *''front doors are heard to open; the camera reveals Patrick to have opened the doors'' *'Patrick:' SpongeBob! SpongeBob, I need your help! *'SpongeBob:' Really? During work hours? *'Patrick:' This is no time to bring up fantasy things like "work hours", man! This is serious! SpongeBob; holds SpongeBob over his head; runs out of Krusty Krab *'SpongeBob:' Patrick, where are we going?! *'Patrick:' The bookstore, man! The bookstore! *''cuts to the Hooks and Books bookstore; SpongeBob and Patrick are in the "Boring Book" section'' *'SpongeBob:' facedown on the floor; speaking muffled Patrick. Patrick. *'Patrick:' through book Uh...I'm kind of busy, SpongeBob. *'SpongeBob:' Doing what? *'Patrick:' Trying to find inspiration, buddy. None of these books are speaking to me. book up *'SpongeBob:' face Probably because their too boring to speak. lands on SpongeBob; picks up face again You need to find the most boring book in the library, buddy. Something that makes you fall asleep. *'Patrick:' But that's every book in this section. *'SpongeBob:' Except for that book over there. Do you see it? That boy is sleeping on it. cuts to reveal a male child sleeping on a book *'Patrick:' How long has he been sleeping? *'SpongeBob:' I'd say three days. *'Patrick:' What makes you say that? *'SpongeBob:' That's what the cover says: "How To Fall Asleep In Just Three Days". *'Patrick:' How? *'SpongeBob:' Patrick, why would you...never mind. Just get over there and get the book. *'Patrick:' Okay, buddy. over to child; taps child Little child, can you get off of the book that can save my career? again Hello? again Hello?! rocking child Don't you hear me?! I said don't you hear me?! up and throws child out of scene; grabs book Here we are. *'SpongeBob:' offscreen Just don't look at the book directly, Patrick. You'll fall asleep instantly. *'Patrick:' What did you say, SpongeBob? I couldn't hear you over me looking at the book directly. at book; falls alseep *'SpongeBob:' into scene Oh no! Patrick Patrick, wake up. You need to write your book. *'Patrick:' drowsily Write smrite. up marker; begins editing book *'SpongeBob:' Well, would you look at that? He's editing the book in his sleep. This is perfect! *'Librarian:' into scene You know you have to pay for that book, right? *'SpongeBob:' Well, almost perfect. *''cuts to the Bikini Bottom News; the screen appears with the words "Breaking News" on it; the screen cuts to a female news reporter'' *'Female News Reporter:' Hello there, citizens of Bikini Bottom. I am Donna Dolphintail with some breaking news. The best-selling author, Patrick Star, has recently published a new book entitled "Uh...". Critics are calling it the must-read book of the year. So get out there and get that new book before they're all gone. *''cuts to an unknown residential home; a male fish turns off the news channel'' *'Male Fish:' What kind of news reporter has nothing to do yet deliver unnecessary news? *'Female Fish:' If you don't like the news, why do you watch it? *'Male Fish:' Don't mock me, Linda. *''cuts to SpongeBob's house, where he reading the newspaper'' *'SpongeBob:' Do you see this article, Gary? article to Gary *'Gary:' Meow. *'SpongeBob:' Yes you do, Gary. It's for Patrick. He's a best-seller in our town. He's making who knows how much money. *'Gary:' Meow meow. bowl into scene; the bowl is filled with money *'SpongeBob:' Way to put the damper on our moods, Gary. construction noises; looks out of window; sees a golden gate being built around Patrick's rock Looks like something is going over there, Gary. *'Gary:' Meow. *'SpongeBob:' Should we go check it out? *'Gary:' Meow. *''cuts to Patrick's rock, which is now fully surrounded by a golden gate along with security guards'' *'SpongeBob:' Excuse me, officer. *'Security Guard:' You're not excused! Show me your ID! *'SpongeBob:' ID? *'Security Guard:' I don't have an ID! Show me yours. *'SpongeBob:' I don't have one. *'Security Guard:' Then why are you here? *'SpongeBob:' To see my friend. *'Security Guard:' I'm not your friend! *'SpongeBob:' I'm not here to see you. *'Security Guard:' Then why are you looking at me?! *'SpongeBob:' To see if you'll let me in this house. *'Security Guard:' This isn't your house! *'SpongeBob:' I know. It's my friend's. Can I go in and see him? *'Security Guard:' I don't know. Can you go in and see him? *'SpongeBob:' I don't know. Can I? *'Security Guard:' Yes. *'SpongeBob:' Thank you, kind officer. down staircase Wow. A staircase. Patrick's really made this house fancy. around living room Patrick? Patrick, are you in here? *'Patrick:' Yes. Yes I am. around in seat Hello, SpongeBob. It's been quite a while since I've seen you. *'SpongeBob:' It's only been two hours. *'Patrick:' Well, that's zero too many. What brings you into my writing abode? *'SpongeBob:' To visit you and see how things are going. *'Patrick:' to SpongeBob; grabs him by arms Terribly, SpongeBob! Terribly! I've edited twenty books on my desk this hour! *'SpongeBob:' That's great! *'Patrick:' No, SpongeBob! I was supposed to finish...uh...at list twenty-one books this hour! Yet my security guards won't let that one book into my house. *''cuts to a security guard with a book at his feet'' *'Security Guard:' Show me your ID! *''rolls onto its back; shows barcode'' *'Security Guard:' That'll do. *''cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick'' *'Patrick:' I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm too busy to talk. I'm too busy trying to condensate on editing books. *'SpongeBob:' Don't you mean concentrate? *'Patrick:' I can't socialize! up SpongeBob; throws him out of house; SpongeBob lands in front of security guard *'Security Guard:' Show me your ID! *''cuts to SpongeBob's living room; SpongeBob is pacing around'' *'SpongeBob:' to self I just don't get this. Patrick is already a hit author. Why is he working so hard? It doesn't make sense. He doesn't have time to go jellyfishing. up net He falls asleep in the first five minutes. *'Gary:' into scene Meow. *'SpongeBob:' I guess you're right, Gary. There's nothing to worry about as long as a riot of authors don't come and try to destroy Patrick. *'Gary:' Meow meow ma-meow? *'SpongeBob:' Riot? What riot? out window to see a riot of fish I have to help Patrick! out of scene *'Gary:' Meow. *''cuts to Patrick's house; the riot is yelling at Patrick, who is now standing lazily in front of them'' *'Rioter 1:' Patrick, how do you explain marking up our books?! *''resumes yelling'' *'Patrick:' Marking up your books? I didn't know I worked at the store. *'SpongeBob:' in front of riot Rioters! Rioters! Stop yourselves! Why are you so angry at my friend, Patrick, here? *'Female Author 1:' He edited my book and took credit for it! *'Male Author 1:' Also with mine! *'Female Author 2:' So we started a plagiarism riot! *''erupts'' *'Male Author 3:' Let's get both of them! *'Riot:' Yeah! *'SpongeBob:' Patrick It was nice knowing you, buddy! *'Patrick:' It was nice knowing me too, buddy. *'Voice:' offscreen Halt there, fray citizens! *''with a white suit, green tights, and blue boots lands on the ground'' *'Patrick:' gasps Whoa. Who is he? *'SpongeBob:' He looks like one of those characters from the impromptu comic books. *'The Riot Stopper:' That's right! I am...The Riot Stopper! I hear that I am needed here to stop a riot. *'Male Author 1:' Well, you're out of luck! We've already started it! *'TRS:' But that's doesn't mean it can't be stopped! *'Male Author 1:' It kind of does. *'TRS:' You have point. at SpongeBob and Patrick What should I do, guys? *'SpongeBob:' plainly Just stop the riot. *'TRS:' As you wish, square one. throat; begins singing Hush, little riot, don't hurt these fish I don't really know if that's what you wish, Don't make me have to call the police I can't though; it's in violation of my lease. So do not make me use brute force, Although I'm not allowed, of course. This riot doesn't make much sense Kind of like this golden fence. *''is shown to have fallen asleep'' *'SpongeBob and Patrick:' cheering Yay! Whoo hoo! Alright! Yay! *'TRS:' Shhh! They're sleeping. *'SpongeBob:' Thank you, Riot Stopper. And sorry for skipping over those impromptu books. *'Patrick:' Yeah. We should have...read-ed them more. *'TRS:' That's quite alright, innocent victims of the bookstore's poor replenishing of new comic books. at camera Remember, kids. Always read impromptu comic books! *''ends'' What did you think of the episode you just read? It was great! I want to read it again! It was good and I enjoyed reading it. It was okay and was a good read. It could have been better, yet overall okay. It was pretty bad. It was pretty much the worst episode ever. My eyes! My eyes! Category:Absorbent Days Category:Absorbent Days Episodes Category:Absorbent Days Episodes: Season Two Category:2013 Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts